The last time I saw my grandma she was standing in the doorway of her apartment waving good-bye to me as I stepped into the elevator after a routine visit. I can still picture her in my mind exactly as she was in that moment even though it was almost twenty-four years ago. I didn’t know then that I would never see her again but perhaps she did, the last words she said to me were “I love you.” It was a nice bookend to our relationship which had blossomed into a genuine friendship when she moved from the island to the lower mainland for the remaining six years of her life. When I got the phone call from my dad, telling me she was dying, I didn’t cry on the way to the hospital, nor when the family gathered immediately after her death. But I did break down on the soccer field, when I missed a chance to strike, because I wanted to score a goal for my grandma. No doubt players on the field thought I overreacted, no one knew my situation, that I was filled with turmoil, grieving on the inside. And when I returned to work after my bereavement leave, I didn’t want any sympathy from my co-workers; simply hearing the words “sorry” or “grandma” were enough to dissolve my stoic facade. Weeks went by, my life seemingly back to normal, when suddenly I’d break down crying because of an Eric Clapton song playing on the car radio. Making trifle at Christmas from my grandma’s handwritten recipe would bring me joy but then re-telling some of her funny family stories would make me sad. Grief came in waves; it was unpredictable and difficult to process. I didn’t know if what I was feeling was normal.
Bereavement, the experience of losing a loved one, is only one kind of grief. Loss of employment, retirement, divorce or break-up of a relationship, illness or disability, miscarriage, end of a friendship, unrealized dreams and the list goes on; these are all catalysts for grief. Grieving is a universal human response to loss with both emotional and physical consequences. There is no one-size fits all approach. Some of the emotions one might be feeling are numbness and detachment, bitterness, lack of trust, irritability and losing a sense of purpose. Physical ailments include chest pain, headaches, dizziness, muscle soreness and fatigue. Grief is an unwelcome change to the normalcy of everyday life and at first, after the initial shock, one may feel as though they are operating on auto-pilot, just going through the motions. Or they may be ruminating over questions like “why me? or “how can I go on?”Nothing prepares you for grief.
You may never fully get over your profound sense of loss but you can learn to manage your life by allowing yourself to grieve. Bereavement is a sign that you loved someone; it’s an extension of your relationship, a shift not an end. And while grief can be intense, confusing, and debilitating, there are health care professionals who can facilitate healing in therapy. Grieving doesn’t have to be a lonely road. Talking to a trusted individual, such as a friend or a registered clinical counsellor, can help you understand your feelings and find positive ways to nurture your well-being as you adjust to a new reality in your life journey.
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